A Creature is Stirring / All Over Your House….

Published November 25, 2014 by HomburgerNaeNae

So it’s the week of Thanksgiving. You know what that means in America? It means that for almost two weeks now we’ve been assaulted with Christmas in all forms: jingles on the radio (btw have you heard this one, which my friend introduced me to and which I now can’t stop hearing in my head?), wreaths/lights on the buildings, and decorations for sale in every store. Some of those decorations are just odd (I’m thinking of making a blogpost later on in the year about the weirdest stuff I can find on the holiday racks) but there is nothing more odd, or demented, or downright unexplainable than one little doll in a box:

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That’s right, folks. The elf on the freaking shelf.

Now I’m sure lots of you have bought into this little Christmas horror show, and you’re thinking to yourselves, “Whaaaat? What do you mean? It’s an adorable little elf that watches over my children and gives them a fun thing to look forward to every day. We’re starting a new family tradition with it!”

And to you I say: Poor unfortunate souls. (Thank you, Ursula.)

Let’s explain exactly what the Elf on the Shelf is, for those few of you who live in ignorant bliss and do not know what this grinning little monster is all about. You buy the boxed set, pictured above, and you get a little storybook about the elf and the pictured toy. The back story of the elf is that he (or she; if you put a skirt on it the thing will go either way) has come from Santa’s workshop to keep an eye on the children. And at the end of each day he reports back to his boss about whether you’ve been good or bad. Pretty straightforward, right?

But where does the doll come into all of this? This is where it just gets freaky: the parents are expected to place the doll somewhere in the house, where he can apparently “watch” the children throughout the day. Then when the kids are nestled into bed, dreaming about whatever sweet little things that children dream about, the parents will move the doll to some other position/place. The next morning when the kids wake up and see that the doll has moved, the parents are expected to tell them this: that their grinning little elf doll CAME TO LIFE in the night, went to the North Pole, ratted out their good/bad deeds to Santa, then came back into the house and chose a NEW VANTAGE POINT FROM WHICH TO SPY ON THE KIDS THE NEXT DAY.

WHAT.

WHAT IS THIS. I CAN’T EVEN.

Why is this popular? Am I the only one who is genuinely disturbed by the concept of a doll spying on people throughout the day and then COMING TO LIFE every single night? We’re already saddled with the idea of Santa spying on us constantly and that’s freaky enough, but at least he does not possess a demented looking doll body. “But it’s all in fun!” the adults-who-think-this-is-normal will proclaim. “It’s fun to play around and be inventive with this little doll. It’s not creepy that he comes to life at night- it’s cute!”

Ahahahahaha. You are so right. It is absolutely adorable when dolls come to life.

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  tina[1]*

Endearing. I so want to take Annabelle with me to sit on Santa’s lap as I make my wish list.

This is not a loveable tradition, it’s scary as cuss! Did anyone ever step back and think about the story and the concept as a whole before they bought that freaky set? How do adults, of supposedly sound mind, think that this is cute? I AM TERRIFIED.

Still don’t see it? Just take a look at the elf doll itself, with its mischievous eyes, blushing cheeks, and impish smile. That thing is BUILT for a horror movie. And clearly, there are others who have seen it, too:

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Please. Please for the love of Christmas Future, the sanity of other shoppers who know the truth, and the mental health of your children: please.

Stop.

Buying.

The.

Elf.

_________________________

*Before you call me a hypocrite for this one- yes, I absolutely LOVE Talky Tina. But a) she comes alive in order to protect her owner, not spy on her, and b) she’s MEANT to be creepy, not a Christmas decoration. So my love for Talky Tina and my hatred for the Elf on the Shelf can coincide in one lovely package and not cancel each other out.

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